Navigating the Holidays with Narcissistic Ex's and Co-Parenting

'tis the season for Narcissistic abuse! Does it feel like things are heightened right now? They likely are.  On this episode, we talk through some themes you may be noticing  this season, specifically with co-parenting and high conflict divorce. We will talk through the trends and end with some helpful strategies. 

If you need support: https://high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com/

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:06

Welcome to the Relationship Recovery Podcast hosted by Jessica Knight, a certified life coach who specializes in narcissistic and emotional abuse. This podcast is intended to help you identify manipulative and abusive behavior, set boundaries with yourself and others, and heal the relationship with yourself so you can learn to love in a healthy way. Hello everyone, welcome back.

Speaker 2: 0:35

It's been a while since I've done a solo episode, so thank you so much for being here. As the holidays pick up and things are getting crazier across the board with schedules, with children, it is also very typical for the narcissist or the high conflict person in your life to amp up the abuse. A lot of us walk this road a bit blind, or we're like they must just be crazy or they must just be stressed when there's patterns to a lot of this behavior. Today I'm going to talk about a narcissist in the holiday season as it relates to children, meaning if you are divorced from a high conflict person, a narcissist, an abusive person, some things that might come up if you are sharing custody with one of these people.

Speaker 2: 1:32

The first holiday season that I ever had without my daughter was actually two years ago. Through a modification, holiday time was awarded to dad, or rather, he always had holiday time, but the wording was changed and it just became more specific. That meant that the specific wording meant that I wouldn't see her on Christmas, something she didn't want something, I didn't want something that I did try to find a halfway point so that we both saw her on Christmas, but it's not what ended up happening. I would say that that first year I didn't necessarily lean into radical acceptance. I was leaning into radical processing, I think, in some way of just accepting and beginning to find sweetness in my new reality, because for the years before her, dad and I would find ways to split time. The way it was worded was very pretty vague, but that's because my ex-husband worked at a place that had work was done on holidays, such as Christmas Eve, so the plans could not always be the same, but this was something that we changed. For those who are listening to this and are like wow, she's being kind of vague, the purpose of that is to share some perspective, but also not to share details of the arrangement, as it's not in my child's best interest to do that at the end of the day. So, that said, speaking from my own experience, I had to lean into what would work for me, and so that meant some changes and then this podcast.

Speaker 2: 3:13

Today, after I talk through some patterns, I'll talk through some of the things that I did to change and that you can do too in your home, and ways to make this time special. I don't know about you, but I really hate the holiday season just the hustle and bustle and activities and things and gifts and money and all of that I just sort of always want to run from. I've grown to appreciate Christmas not for, like, I still will never understand why people put live trees in their homes. It's just I don't get it. But I do appreciate the Santa Claus aspect and the time at home. I like the smell of green trees and things like that, and so I have found ways to make the holidays feel like mine, which I wasn't able to do in my marriage. My ex very, very much liked and wanted Christmas to look the way he wanted it to look and I think that is fine. He is entitled to his own relationship to it. But it was really hard to grow my own in the face of a lot of holiday trauma from growing up and the expectations that come with the holiday season, and I think that now in my late 30s I have found ways to make it feel like me or, in regard to my daughter, feel like us, and I'll touch on a few of those things later on.

Speaker 2: 4:39

But I just want to note that during this time it can feel sad, it can be heavy, there can be a lot of extra things going on and the narcissist or high conflict person may also be in a spiral. But let's dive into some of those predictable patterns that you might see, and I always recommend that you take any feedback or notes that are given in these podcasts and look at your life and think about how do these things show up? It's going to look different for you than it looks for me and it's going to look different for me than it looks for person number four. Like these will look different, but they may have similar threads. Take what you need, take what you want and leave the rest. I want to start by talking about visitation and parenting time challenges, because this is probably, if you're listening to this, what you came here for.

Speaker 2: 5:30

So, just to be clear, any schedule that deviates from quote unquote normal schedules is usually an opportunity for the narcissist to make issue of or make great chaos out of. Any gray areas are like grounds for abuse and they likely will take any of the gray area and twist it to their advantage, and so some of these arrangements pick up and drop offs might be extra contingents because the narcissist isn't in control. They might want the child for Christmas, but they don't have it, and whose fault is it? It's yours, doesn't matter if it's a court ordered parenting plan, if they don't get what they want, it is all your fault, and that is the way that they approach these things, not. This is what is fair and that it's good for the child to have two Christmases, or like they get, two Thanksgiving's. It's they're not happy because it's not what they want and they're not in control and they have to maintain the victim.

Speaker 2: 6:31

So they're gonna use the visitation, the parenting time, the court order drop offs to make an issue and so when they're out of control, they are going to try to exert that control. What they care about is exerting the control. They don't care about what it does to your child and for the safe parent. All you care about is the stability for your child. I know that. You know that. So let's come back to that point when, as we go through this, of if you're the person who creates the stability for your child and I know for me that's more important than anything in the world to me that I will continue to provide that, despite anything else going on. That point kind of goes into some of the manipulation that can happen, and so most narcissists need to be in the spotlight and if they see themselves through their child, then the child has to be in the spotlight and they manipulate situations to stay in the spotlight. So that usually looks like disrupting your plans or trying to get reactions out of you.

Speaker 2: 7:46

During this time, and if you are noticing that the emails have increased, I know for me I tend to get an email every time I'm at the airport of something that's gonna throw me off. Now it's almost like clockwork sometime. So I can manage around that or just not check but notice what the pattern is and give yourself a break from communications. If Thanksgiving is your day with your kid, you don't have to be checking email. There's a lot of strategies that I talk to people about one-on-one, about ways to manage these communications so that they don't continue to trigger you, but finding ways that you're not checking it every day, such as even making a whole new email address so all of the emails and the communications are in one place. So that's what you can focus on and you can keep your. You know so when you're dialed into that, you're dialed into that. When you're not, you're not, can be so helpful, and it's a small thing in the grand scheme of all of these things.

Speaker 2: 8:50

Let's talk about some of the financial stuff that can happen, and so there's a lot of things that can happen, and we can start with one of the obvious. If the narcissist cannot get the child to get that they want to get them to be like I am the best parent, financially speaking, it will, of course, be all your fault because they pay child support. So obviously those two things go hand in hand and beings are cast. There's a few different things that can happen. That's financially motivated, but it's also motivated from a place of control. So the narcissist in many cases will want to get them the gift capital T-H-E.

Speaker 2: 9:33

So if during the marriage they never allowed the child to play video games, and now they're going to get them video games and they're going to get them the console, because what other small child doesn't want that right? Don't let this become a battle. Don't get the bigger thing. If you've been saving up to buy, like the first American Girl doll, and you buy the doll and they have to buy the even bigger doll, whatever they're going to do that. But what matters more is this long game that you're a part of, being consistent, being loving and showing up for your kid and at the end of the day, that is so much more important than this. One day, the narcissist is going to try and make Christmas this big production.

Speaker 2: 10:21

And so, if you know that, and if you know that they're going to do this and that they care more about hurting you than they care about showing up for the child, just be very mindful to not let yourself get into those games. Okay, don't let yourself get into. Who spends more, who buys more, who does more. Buy your child what you want to. If that is something that you do, you really want to be mindful of boundaries. During this time, you really, really, really need to make sure that your oxygen mask is on and that if there are extras that are being asked of you, if there's more and more and more that's being asked of you, take a step back and ask yourself is this really in my best interests? Do I want to do this? Is this actually helpful? Does this support me right now? So the way that I work with people around boundaries is that if the boundary doesn't have a way to remove you from the harm, it's not a boundary.

Speaker 2: 11:21

Here's an example. Say that you have a court-ordered phone call and the parent who doesn't have a child so let's just say the narcissist in this case wants to call the child and they're saying they must call the child, or they need to call the child, or they have to talk to the child. Like they have their phone call. You might want to play nice and be like oh, of course they can talk to them at eight and we'll talk to them again later. I truly think and feel it's best to just stick to the plan, because all of these things are just extra manipulations. If they want to show up on that day, even though it's your parenting time, everybody has different arrangements. But if we're dealing with a high conflict or narcissist, the answer is usually no. Protect your parenting time. You have no idea what's going to come your way. It's 50-50 if they show up, kind or not. So hold your power. This is also a time that, if they are trying to abuse you through the court system, hold your power. Make sure that when things start coming in, you don't react but you seek legal advice.

Speaker 2: 12:29

I want to turn a little bit to some of the strategies. I had to learn this lesson and I had to learn it the hard way, but I'm glad that I did. The dates that are on the calendar don't matter as much as the experiences. If you have Thanksgiving on Wednesday, because that's when you have your child and they go to their other parent's house that Thursday, then you have Thanksgiving Wednesday with them. Or they come home that Sunday and you have Thanksgiving with them. They are going to feel so lucky to have two Thanksgiving's. One Thanksgiving.

Speaker 2: 13:03

My daughter's name is Charlotte, which you know if you've been here, but I had Charlotte's Thanksgiving this is actually last year where she got to pick everything she wanted. We did it that Wednesday. She came home from school. I got her when school released at noon and it was everything she loved. We made mac and cheese, we made rice and beans, we made pizza, we made vegan chicken, we had french fries and then we had dessert and it was all the stuff all her best hits out of mame, because that's Charlotte and she loved it. She loved it and I felt really good and positive for that experience and providing that experience With Christmas.

Speaker 2: 13:42

I've gone through a lot of changes with Christmas, but there are a few things that I really love to do with my kid. We always pick out, like the Charlie Brown tree and I really appreciate that. I like going and picking out the tree that nobody wants to take home and my daughter and I have grown to like that. There was one year that I put up a big tree because I thought that's what she wanted and I was proud of that that year. I just want to make sure that it feels authentic when we do it. This year we've decided to get the tree that she wants, which is the Charlie Brown tree.

Speaker 2: 14:16

Another thing that kind of goes back to the date is that Santa can come early. Santa can come late. This year Santa's coming early and so she's going to wake up two days before and she believes that I wrote a letter to Santa and he's coming and Santa is making a special trip just for her. How lucky is she. And we're going to pretend that Christmas is Saturday because the dates don't matter. What matters is that you are present with your child. The times and days that she has gone to her dad's, we've made the morning special, so it's been one so far, but we've gotten up, we've kept our pajamas on, we've snuggled. You know, we kind of do what she wants to do that day. My daughter's in PCIT therapy, so it's parent-child interaction therapy, and so there's a special playtime quote unquote as part of that, and we really lean into that of like how can I do what she wants to do? Because that makes me feel like I'm showing up for her the best I can.

Speaker 2: 15:16

You also can create new traditions, and if they have to change and if they have to be different, then they have to be different, and that's okay. My child used to really like to go to my mom's on Christmas because you walk well, one, my brothers are there and she loves them. But two, like, when she walks down the stairs she sees the Christmas tree and it's like that typical Christmas morning that you read about in the books. But when we can do that, we do. We did it last year, but there are other times when we don't, and so she's grown to believe in a few different types of Christmases and I think she likes collecting them, like, oh, this year we have this and this year we have that. Last year we had that Christmas at my mom's and then the next day we went to Disney. So there's a lot of different ways, but I feel like the more flexible you are, the more open, the more willing, the more your child is going to be open to all these things and they will start to tell you what they want and what they need. At four she couldn't do that. At six, about to be seven, she can. And just remember to keep yourself a priority too. The first Christmas I went for a run and I cried. I missed her so much. But she came home and we had a great day.

Speaker 2: 16:35

A lot of us go days without seeing our kid and we have to lead into these strategies, so these days feel harder. I will be honest with you I do not spend the holidays with my family If my child's not here. It just feels too weird. It almost feels like something vague and giant is missing, and so that's a choice I've made, and you don't have to make that choice, and you very well might not make that choice, but the choice that I have made is that I don't travel unless I have her. So I'm not going to go spend it with my family. I will spend the holiday that we create with her, with them. That's my choice. I prefer to be alone. On those days. It's hard for me. I prefer to be alone.

Speaker 2: 17:20

Like I said, I have holiday trauma. Holidays don't always feel that great. For me, having a kid to celebrate and to like live the holiday through makes it easier, it makes it better, but I need to protect myself, and so if you're not going feels best for me internally. That is the choice that I need to make, and so I invite you to make those choices too and to think about what will make you feel best and to move from that space, not from what everyone's telling you to do, because everyone will say no, you should do this. You shouldn't be alone. It's not up to them, it's up to you. If you need support, you can always follow me at Emotional Abuse Coach on Instagram. You can email me at Jessica at JessicaNightCoachingcom. You can find me on my website, emotionalabusecoachcom. But I am here, I understand, and I'm sorry that you're in this place.