Last Straw Moments

We’re diving into those powerful "last straw" moments—the times when you feel that unmistakable surge of clarity that enough is truly enough. These moments don’t always come all at once; it might take several before you feel ready to fully break free. But often, they spark a deep, rising anger that fuels the decision to stand up against manipulation and control once and for all.

Transcript

Hello. Welcome back. Thank you for being here. I really appreciate you being here. And I'm gonna dive into an episode about trauma bonding today.

I want to first remind you, where to find me before I dive in. You can find me on Instagram at emotional abuse coach at emotional abuse coach doctor com, and you can email me at jessica at jessica coaching dot com. I have space currently for 2 01:01 clients. Usually, clients work with me every week or every other week. Every once in a while after I've worked with you for a little bit, I take clients monthly.

But if you are looking to work with me for a short or longer period of time, Always feel free just to reach out, and you could just always ask. You know, ask a question, ask about availability, ask about that kind of stuff, but I just had 2 2 people transition, so there is some space open. Let's dive in. To a topic that, I literally don't wanna sit here and, like, talk too much before getting into the episode because I feel like it's really important and there's, like, a lot of themes to this, but this is really like, when the emotions turn to anger in a trauma bond. It's 1 of the hardest parts breaking free from a trauma bond is recognizing when you're slipping back into some of your old patterns.

And so you might make some ground. You might have a really big breakthrough coaching or therapy session. You might be, like, I got it. It clicked. I hear it my mind at my body or working together.

I'm seeing them and they look like a ghost. But then you might slip back. And a lot of people get really frustrated and by that because it feels like we're just back pedal or, like, we can't get over it. There's something wrong with us, and I'm saying all those things because those are all things that I have felt. And it subtle.

It's like a shadow that, like creeps in, and you think you're doing fine. You might even feel pretty solid. You might even be, like, doing some of the things that you want to do leaning back into work having a care routine, spending time with friends feeling really present, and then out of nowhere, you'll catch yourself doing things that might feel a bit familiar, so you might be checking your phone more often, stalking social media, waiting for a message that you swore. You just would not care about anymore. Look at old text.

You might be you know, looking through conversations that you've already analyzed to death, looking for something that you missed that might be the clue as to why this relationship ended because all the other clues that you have that are so clear no longer feel clear. Or maybe it's actually just more internal. You'll feel like there's a knot of self doubt that just, like, gets so stuck and that knot usually is the 1 that's, like This was your fault. You were the problem all along. All of this was your fault.

And if you did this this and this differently, you wouldn't be in the position you're in. But this is where the real work begins. Because when we slip back into those patterns, we don't actually go back to where we were when we were so deeply trauma bonded, we go back to a place that feels like it looks like it, but it's not all the way back there because we have learned so much along the way. I say this all the time, but I think sometimes we have, like, a last straw moment, and we finally walk away. But even the last straw moments can be really complicated because sometimes we think that we got it, and we believe this is it, and we're done and we're moving on, but then we get pulled back in.

Sometimes and often without any contacts with them at all. You might even feel like you've had a hundred last draws, and each 1 felt like it was going to be the 1. You might have sworn to yourself that it was, but then the rum 18 starts all over again. And you'll say thanks to yourself? Like, was it that bad did I do something wrong?

Could I have actually fixed this was either the problem? And you get trapped in the rum remediation for a while. But then I believe, 1 day we hit the last straw, and that's the 1 that pushes you from rum illumination into anger. And this is when some of the real power comes in. Because here's the thing about the true last draw moment.

It's really different. It's not just another frustration or just another fight. It's the moment when your anger takes over and something inside of you snaps in a way that cannot be undone. It's a realization that hits you so hard that there's actually no going back. You can't keep explaining why their behavior is the way that it is or make excuses for them or tell yourself that they didn't mean it or they didn't intend it.

And for me, and I've had this in more than 1 relationship. There were so many last extra moments before the final 1. So many times I thought this has to be. I cannot fucking do this anymore, but he still stayed, or I still tried in a case where we were broken up. I still doubted myself.

And then there was that 1 moment that 1 thing that I just could not turn back from. And it wasn't just another disappointment. It was a betrayal that completely shattered the image of this person that I was holding on to. And it pushed me into anger, and from anger, that's where I actually found action. I wasn't actually gonna go into some detail about what those look like, but I think that if I don't do that, I'm robbing you of the...

Ability to really see this in your own life. And so I had this in my marriage. I'm not gonna talk about that here. Just in case my daughter ever is older and listens to it. So I'll talk about how it came up in actually 2 relationships.

And so the... In 1 of them, and this was months after I was rum for probably 7 months. This was the first what I noticed was an abusive relationship and meaning, like there... I had been in others. I didn't know we're abusive because that wasn't a language that I had.

When I was younger. Arguably you my first relationship ever, that really meant something to me was abusive. I'm 16 then. But now this 1 I'm talking about was as an adult. And in this in this relationship, it was definitely his way or the highway.

With almost everything in regards to when I could feel things, how I could feel things, how I could talk about things. If you listen to my early episodes, I'm unpacking this person. And so in that, relationship. What happened was at the end, it was, like, such a brutal end. Like, I was still being gas at the end.

I was still being, like, everything made him the freaking victim, and I was, like, so sick of it. I would be, like, rolling my eyes at these feet... At these emails. And everything made him the victim and, like, I was getting real tired of it and then the la... I...

But I still wanted him to act differently, It's like, he kept acting this way, and I just wanted him to act differently. And then I kept expecting it until I just kind of decided I'm not gonna do that anymore. Because it was getting so frustrating and it was like, so bad and it was so clear and it was just like, you know, just how many months is that? 4 months of it. Like, I was just, like, I'm sick of it because we were in a lot of contact, unfortunately.

So then few months passed right before my birthday he reaches out. And I was for I I have talked about this before actually. I felt all the trauma response at once. Fight, light freeze fawn, all of them in a moment. I was frozen.

I wanted to run away. I wanted to fawn and just deal with it. And I wanted to fight and tell him to go fuck himself. And I eventually calm down, and then I was able to hold a boundary. He base gl asked if we could talk, but it was so entitled.

It wasn't like, I am so sorry. I'm a I am a fucking idiot, and I did all these things. It's and I completely guess at you. It was more like, I wanna talk to you because I wanna tell you this thing and Also, I'm curious if you have any Jet points. And, just wanna see how everything is.

I remember getting it. And I was like, you just wanna see how everything is. Like, what is wrong with you. And I just said, like, no. I'm sorry I can't.

And then he was like well, I'm gonna drop a birthday gift off. I was like, please don't. And then he's said like well, I'm gonna do it anyway, and then he did. And then he asked me if I got it because I didn't say thank you. And I was like, this is just gonna continue.

And this is where the fawn was coming in of, like, do I just need to endure this? And And then I said, I can't be in contact with you with you. Please stop emailing me and asking. And that was it. I...

There was no I wish you the best because I did not wish him the best. I actually wished the worst. And then a few mornings after I woke up and he had left all the items that I had at his house, which I didn't want that it had been now 8 months, and I had gotten my stuff, I gotten the things I wanted. I actually took them before the relationship ended It was, like, a necklace and, like, a shirt and, like, nothing of importance. Was there.

I had all the things I wanted, like, he left everything down to, like, cleaning supplies that I had purchased for, like, when we like, cleaned his part, and I was like, and left them in garbage bags in the vest in my apartment, and I was like, what the actual fuck? Like, this is the punishment I get for not wanting and talk to him and or see him around my birthday, which anyone who knows me knows I hate my birthday, and I hate like, the attention of it, the expectation of it. I hate all of it. And, yes, if you're wondering if that's a trauma response, it is, it's from my child to trauma. However, I don't care anyone that knows me knows, I hate my birthday, and to for him to make such a big deal around this time in which like, he couldn't handle, obviously, like, the rejection part of, like.

So then I wrote him an email, and I was like, this was disgusting what you did was disgusting. This was trash. You basically left trash here. What is wrong with you? Please stop contacting me.

I am blocking you, and then he wrote me from another email because I had blocked his email, and basically tried to rip me to shreds. And I was... And then to also tell me how much he healed, and I was like, this is a great description of how much you healed. Like, because you're showing me how much you fucking healed. And so...

That was it... That was it. I mean, I... And I had, like, a few more last straw moments before all of this where I was like, this is it. Now this is it.

Now this is it. And now this really was it. And I've never talked to him again, and I blocked the other email, and it was just like it was done. It, of course activated me. It, of course, caused trauma, but I was done.

I saw him for exactly who he was. The craving I had for him for his body for his hugs for his like energy, it was gone because my body took longer to get there than my head. I think it's worth it to tell you 1 more because it might not look like that. I had an x that repeatedly gas at me. I manipulated things throughout the relationship, and I will end up talking about this more because I've been doing a lot of work on understanding these patterns from more of an intellectual standpoint, but he basically could write a masterclass class and how to use your history and your challenges to convince you that you're not seeing things correctly because of the way that you see it because it's not, like, it's not a healthy way to see it, but they see it healthy, and it's just, like, you're just feeling confused all the time.

Now it's really hard. For people do that to me because I am an asshole. No. I completely call it out. So I would call it out.

It call it out. He'd hear me. He'd adjust but any. I didn't realize he was just adjusting his tactics. He wasn't adjusting his perspective active.

The tactics just got amped up. It was more like, that wasn't my intention. The way you're perceiving it it's wrong. There's a difference between my the intentions and out, like, what you're perceiving my intention is and I'm like, well, I don't give a crap about your intentions I care about the impact it's having. This is the impact.

So if your intention isn't to cause this impact. I'm showing you the impact. The impact is actually pretty consistent with every single other time. But you're... And so this happened a lot and it was also a way he always made himself the victim every situation.

And at first, when you're getting to know somebody, you believe it because You're not gonna be like, oh, that story sounds really horrible. Sounds like you're victim yourself and these people are right. Like, you're never gonna say that. You're gonna be like, oh, shit. Wouldn't...

Wow. You survived a lot. Right? Because we're seeing the best of these people, and I loved this person. Like, I loved the higher highest version of this person is an amazing person, but he doesn't exist.

Who exists is the person he is today. The person that walks the earth is that person. Right? The person that I saw 2 percent of the time is not the person that exists 99 percent. 98.

See, I can't even do math. I'm so gas lit. But, like, I think with this person, there were so many last draws and there were so many times I was done. But then when I entered no contact, I was flooded with feelings all the time because I was rewriting history, I was going through things. We had so many promises and so many memories and, like, so much depth.

And again, so I addicted to that best version of himself, and what it could be, I was so hung up on what it could be that I wasn't acknowledging what was actually here and it was so hard because, like, I wasn't... I kept saying to my therapist Like I just wanna have fucking conversation with this guy and she... And, I mean, she said, what I would tell a client. There's no... He's not going to hear you.

And I kept telling myself that that person that did hear me for a large portion of the relationship. Okay. For hat for some of the relationship was in there. Until he confronted me about something. And it was laced with lives, and I was like, nope.

I didn't do that. I did that. I did not do that. And then it was... I would have never do that to you.

I did nothing, And I was, like, All I did was have a conversation, and somebody asked me a question I told them the honest answer because quite frankly, I didn't have to protect him anymore. He had done so many things that I'm not going to say here, I probably will talk about another time. It's just not appropriate at this juncture, but he basically had done so many things to craft the narrative and a story that wasn't real. It wasn't true, and it again positioned him as he's the victim, and now this time on the perpetrator. He's like a natural disaster, like, he's like a fucking tornado going through people's lives.

And I just happened to be hit. And then, like, the tornado doesn't come back and, like, rebuild the home. The tornado just keeps going. So he didn't, like, the tornado didn't, like, come back and be like, oh, 0, shit. I didn't mean, like, run through your home.

It was, like... The tornado out there onto the next house to destroy. And I'm just watching it. And so there was so much that was un unheard by the way it ended it was a discard, so it ended the way that a discard happens. You know, it's...

There's no closure. There's no feelings. There's no conversation. There's no next steps. It's just it's done.

And that is so painful. Because you're left to pick up the pieces and makes sense of reality and un gas yourself and rewrite history and then un rewrite history and so what I did. So, bro, this interaction rather. He said, he basically, again, like, a key... So he accused me of all this of doing this thing, and I was like, I didn't do that thing, and I have no idea actually what you're talking about, but I will admit to this thing.

And then he was, like, and, you know, I... This impacted my, you know, my legal case and and I was like, but you did all these things. And so I'm telling you that like, all I did was tell the truth. I told you actually that if I was asked, I was gonna tell the truth. I told the truth.

And then he was, I, you know, like, I... They you crossed the line, and I was like, you didn't cross line for the last 6 months in your actions. And again, I don't wanna go down. I... Well, I got...

Honestly, I can't at this juncture. I will at 1 point. But right now I can't. But like, he did a lot of things of creating chaos in a place that, like, isn't meant to have it. And I I feel like we can be like, oh at no place meant to have chaos, but, like, you know, there are some light places in our life that it's just not meant to happen.

And this was a, you know, this was around like, a... I know I'm being so vague and I'm sorry. The reason I'm being big is because I want to share this because I think it might be helpful, but I have to hold back on some of those. Details right now just because I am named as a witness on the other side, and that scares me a little bit. This isn't a bad thing.

This is just a very, very, very high conflict divorce, but I'm being vague, and I don't wanna be, and I'm sorry. I know it's taking away from the story. So I should probably just continue on with the story. But anyway, He did a lot of things and continue to lie and continue to put me in situations like standing next to me to make it seem like we were not broken up or like, continue to have conversations with me. Continue to small talk me.

And all I could think about was you discarded me. You lied to me. You won't... You didn't offer me closure. You...

I still have all your fucking stuff. Like, and it's, like important stuff, so I don't wanna, like, throw it out even though, you know, I I can. But that's all I kept thinking. Now I'm having this conversation after all this time has happened and, like, big long... And I mean, I would joke about it with my coach, but I would be, like, it just, like, he's, like, always on a block party.

Like, he decides when to block me mirror unblock me, and it's like, there's no rhyme I'm a reason to it. It just sort of happens. And The only reason I know that is because I mean, like, I just I... Actually, I don't even know how I know that I actually do know how I know that, and It just took me a second to get to it is it because I accidentally and actually truly accidentally called once. My brother's name is very similar to his, and so I pressed the wrong button because I was doing it quickly.

I also know because I set 1 text to set a boundary and it went through, and then I reinforced the boundary 2 days later, and it didn't go through. And I tried to find something on Linkedin and realized he blocked me, which is just pathetic. That we're at that level Blocking on Linkedin after we've had no contact, but to each their own. And so anyway, all this should happened, and he's just like, I am you know, like, you... I'm like, I crossed the line.

You crossed the line of all your behavior. You led... You you actually caused this to happen. That this thing, I wouldn't be Been asked that question and how to give an honest response. If you didn't do all this shit.

Right? You you basically put the dominoes together, they'll all then fall down. And now you're standing there pointing your finger at me that it's my fault. I don't care that you had to pay. You know, your immediate, your lawyer or this or that?

I don't care How much have I had to pay in therapy and coaching to heal from this. And so he just kept shaking his head at me and Shaking his said head at me. It was gross. It was honestly gross, And I was just like and then he's, like, you crossed the line and walked away, and I was, like, you created the line. Like...

But that was it, and it might seem to you, like, oh, that's not that big or that's not such a big thing. But for me, it was because I had been holding out for so long about a conversation, any conversation and just to see he is exactly where he was during the day of the card is pathetic to me. It's like all these months have happened. All, like, all this time has passed, and all this pain has been felt. And the fake pain that you, like, he would, like, make it seem like he was in pain.

It's like, you're not. You're just in in entitlement. And to just literally there to be 0 growth. Almost it's almost worse. Right?

Because it's, like, doubling down and, like, rewrite, it's, like, in 1 moment, rewriting history doubling down. Denying my experience. Therefore gas me, Therefore trying to rewrite it in the moment while also lying about a story to get sympathy. No thank you. And these moments, these last round moments they're different.

Right? Because it's like something starts to begin to slip away. And that's what bolt what happened in both of those situations. And it's like it's like when the realization hits you so hard that there is no going back. And that's what that was.

The anger part is important because like I said, it's what it makes you take action. You take action instead of continuing to sit or chase the pain. Because when you're angry, you finally start to believe that you deserve better. You start to see the situation for what it really is, not a series of mistakes or miscommunication, or good intentions, but a pattern of manipulation of disrespect and harm. And that anger is what actually gets you to move.

To do things for yourself to stop explaining their actions to not let any room in for their excuse their excuses. And know some people will say, like, but a I'm worried I'll slip, and the analogy I typically give is if you're on a wave Right. At the beginning, like, all... Like, we're just crashing. Right?

Like, it's tsunami in our face all the time. And then we start to go up and down up and down, and then the waves get bigger. We go really up really down, these are more like little ones and you might not realize that it's just a small wave because it will feel like a big 1 because that's what you're also used to. It might actually be small. Because when I noticed myself slipping or past tense slip.

When the guilt and the sadness or the old voice of self doubt starts to res. It's like, inch ing inch edging a little closer to a clip, I promise myself, I wouldn't go near again. And that's my cue that I need to amp up the self care. Not Instagram self care with face masks, and bubble baths and girls nights, but like, the really hard stuff and, like the necessary stuff. It's like that signal that something inside of me is off.

And I need to recalibrate before I spiral. I need to get my sleep. I need to eat vegetables. I need to go for a walk. I need to breathe fresh air.

I need to push myself to get out of the house and realize that there's a sun in this sky and grass on the ground. I need to do what I need to do for me. Because here is the thing. Those slips don't come out of nowhere. They're usually triggered by something.

A moment of loneliness or a stressful day or conversation that's stir up an old wound. And I know that if I'm not careful that they can pull me right back into that emotional quick sand that I fought so so hard to escape. That's why stir when this happens, you don't want to brush it off and you don't want to ignore it. The second that I catch myself, staring at my phone too along or feeling that what if I know it's time to dig in and really start to ask myself what's going on. Especially if it's going on for a few days.

Because if you don't check in with yourself and notice it, then that's when you start to snowball wall. And you might bounce back way quicker than you imagine f especially if you hit the last straw, but we want to limit the amount of replaying the past and questioning your decisions, feeling the old familiar polls when, especially when you've reached what you believe is that last strong moment. It won't feel the same. I promise you it doesn't feel the same. This is what I've learned about preventing myself from falling too far.

I have to know what my baseline is. What it feels like when I'm stable when I'm grounded and when I'm healthy and for me, baseline is not being perfect and it's not about feeling great necessarily. It's really about consistency. It like, brings me back to like, the things that make my daughter thrive. It's, like, consistency and predictability.

When I'm at baseline, I'm showing up for myself. I'm sticking to my morning routine, keeping my boundaries and doing things that remind me that I'm in control with my life. And it's easy to think that the big changes are what matter, like walking away from the relationship, making a dramatic shift, but it really is these, like, small daily things that help you define who you are. And help you stay a bit more grounded. Because when I start to slack on those boundaries, that's when I usually really second guess myself.

Like, especially if I'm kind of like, Okay. I hit it. I am good like, I have reached the last straw, this person no longer even looks like themselves to me. I am on this path in 3 months. I'm probably gonna be like, oh my god.

I wanna even be near them. But to get there. It takes a lot of self. It takes a lot of self caring a lot of self. I guess, like, not self and, like, personal integrity.

To to know when you're starting to slip and be able to bring yourself back. Even if you slip, even if you find yourself thinking, maybe I'm too difficult. Maybe if I just tried it harder, you really have to remind yourself that those truths. Aren't the truth. Those are old scripts that are planted in your mind.

You do know too much now. You know way too much and you've seen too much of who this person really is. You felt what it's like to be trapped. Nobody has ever said, I wanna go back to being trauma bonded. You've tasted what it feels like to feel free and to feel separate even for a moment.

And that's why when you hit your last straw a moment, you don't really want to go back. If you're listening to this and you're life, but I haven't hit that moment when am I gonna hit, I'm, like, barely hitting mini straw moments. I just want... I want you to take this message from that then. I will know when I'm done.

Maybe, and this doesn't mean put yourself in abusive to situations in harmful situations, like that does not mean this, but it's like, maybe, I'm not mentally done yet. There's still more processing. There's still parts and romantic sizing. There's more I need to feel. It doesn't mean that you need to be in the relationship.

There's more I need to do. And if you are in the relationship, maybe it's like, we are so close and the next 1 I'm done. I I have have heard people say that before. Whether or not you've hit it or not, though, the more you start to trust yourself, the more that you will. Begin to trust yourself.

The more that you show up for yourself, the more of trust that you will build. When you have bad days, especially once you start to realize that you've hit some of these points, it's not gonna go back to the beginning of the trauma bond. The dips don't last that long, and they don't feel as deep. They may feel deep in the moment, but then you'll start to catch it. You'll gain more clarity, more self awareness, and stronger sense on who you are outside of all this trauma.

It's not about never slipping, but once we reach that point of anger and action, We have already built the tools to build ourself back up, and we just have to lean back into them. Because I promise you once you start to really hit some of these moments, it doesn't go... I mean, you may even have that moment of being, like, could I ever, like, be with them again. Could I love them again. I remember having the feeling of, like, I could never go back to this.

Like, when I got discarded, I will obviously wanted it back, like immediately course. I just got discarded. So now I'm flooded with all these feelings and... But then it was like, how could I go back? And that feeling just grew and it grew, and then it was like really sad for a while, and then it became anger.

Of course Like, there's no chance I could go back because this person will never even talk about what they did wrong. And so I hope that this episode was helpful and beginning to acknowledge What this looks like, what this feels like, and I hope that if you're starting to notice some of these that this episode is quite validating for you. This is not about being perfect. Healing is not perfect. It's just about beginning to come back to yourself over and know again until 1 day you realize that this poll of the past doesn't have the same power over you.

And when your trauma bond, you don't want it to feel any different than it feels. But that's not healthy because that just keeps us stuck in the cycle, and we're not free. I really hope that this was helpful. Again, I'm sorry that my story was all over the place, but I hope this was helpful, and I hope that you find ways to show up for yourself. You can find me at emotional abuse coach on Instagram.

At emotional of abuse coach dot com. You could email me at jessica, at night coaching dot com. And follow me on subs under jessica night coaching.