Holidays Without Your Kids

Navigating the holidays without your kids? You're not alone, and this episode is here to support you. On this episode, I dive into the raw realities of spending holidays apart from your children due to divorce or custody arrangements. 

Transcript

Welcome to the You're not crazy podcast. Hosted by Jessica Knight, a certified life coach who specializes in healing from narcissistic and emotional abuse. This podcast is intended to help you identify manipulative and abusive behavior, set boundaries with yourself and others. And heal the relationship with yourself, so you can learn to love in a healthy way. You can connect with Jessica and find additional resources, content and coaching at emotional abuse coach dot com.

Hello. And as always, thank you for being here. I am gearing up to announce on my subs stack, a bunch of new updates on how I'm going to be using that community moving forward. To share more guides to share more targeted post to answer user questions and to create it into more of a community with a monthly topic. So if you want to hear about that.

There's a link in the show notes that you can go in and sign up for the updates. You could just become a free subscriber at a subs stack, and you will get the updates as they come out. That said, I'm gonna dive into this topic. As a reminder, you can find me at emotional abuse coach dot com. Hi, dash conflict divorce coaching dot com.

On Instagram at emotional abuse coach, and you can email me at jessica at adjust c dot com. Today's podcast is another 1 about the holidays because this is something that's coming up a lot, and it's about how to navigate the holidays without your kids. And this is such a raw and very real topic. And if you're tuning in because this is your reality, whether it's due to divorce or the custody arrangements, other circumstances. I promise you you are not alone.

There are a lot of people that feel the way that you feel, and I also know that, you know, we all feel things differently. So this time and the way that you hold this time is gonna be very unique to you. And so I just wanna start with the undertone of the holidays and the societal pressure that comes up. They're supposed to be filled with hallmark Moments, if you will, but for many of us, that's just not how life works. And especially if we are divorced or have a custody schedule, It's not how the holidays will work at all.

And so I just wanna talk about the challenges, the adjustments and how to reclaim the holidays in a way that works for you. And just remember, as we go through this and as you go through your life, it's gonna be so much trial and error. And so the hard truth is that this is hard. That's the hard truth. That this is hard.

And there isn't a way to get around that. The first few holidays that you spend without your kids can feel like a gut punch or that, you know, nobody in the world understands how you're feeling. You might feel like you're missing out or, like, you you know, failed in some way or that you're a bad parent or the sc because you don't want to spend the holidays with family that will have their kids there, But here's something that I've learned over the years. It's that, those feelings can change and they absolutely don't define you and who you are as a parent. As magical as we may think that the holidays can be at the end of the day.

And again, I'm really sorry if this is totally not how you see this. This is just a helpful way that I think about it and that I've thought about it over time is that they are really just dates on a calendar, holidays, or dates on a calendar. It is in the day itself, but it is the connection that you have with your... And the traditions that you make with your kids. If you celebrate Christmas on the 20 second or thanksgiving a week later, It doesn't make those moments any less special.

If you listen to my other podcast on this topic, I shared a story where I told my daughter that I called Santa and arranged him for to visit early. And then went on Canvas and typed in letter from Santa, and it pulled up this template, and I just used the template to write a letter from Sandra saying that she was essentially... He was gonna come early and he was so excited and that she better out the carrots and the q comes again. And she thought it was awesome. You know, and now she feels lucky because she gets a bunch of christmas, and that's how she thinks about it.

She has 1 with my family 1 with her dad 1 just with her and I, you know, when I was going through this, I was sort of hung on to the day, but, I as time has gone on, I... And especially had more experience with my child. I realize it's the day itself doesn't matter that much. It doesn't hold as much weight to a child in that way as, like their birthday does. Kids are resilient, and you can create special stories with them around how they celebrate the holidays.

And so I wanna talk about what I've learned and how to handle holidays when I don't have my daughter with me. And for me, it's about choosing what works for me and not at all about what society thinks I should do. And so this may sound strange. This may sound weird, but, like, I honestly don't care because this is what works best for me, but if I don't have my daughter for thanksgiving give me or Christmas. I typically don't.

Even acknowledge it to be honest. This year, I didn't have her for Thanksgiving, and I actually had a few clients that day. I purged my closet. I had Thanksgiving with her the Wednesday before, and I ordered in indian food at night, I didn't go to a friend's house to invited me over, and I didn't travel to New york to see my family, I didn't want to. And when people would say, oh, we're you're doing nothing.

Come over. I, you know, I actually joked because I would be like, no. No. Thank you. Thank you for inviting me, but no.

And, like, you know, realizing that every time my first answer was no, but that is me listening to myself. My answer is no. And that's okay. The first year. I didn't have my kid for Christmas, I went out to dinner with my friend, and he...

It doesn't have a close relationship with his family and was staying local, and we just went out, you know, to, like, some place to get dinner and then I came home. I went for a long run in the morning, and that was the day. You know? But I think the moral love the story is is that you get to do what you want. And for me, every year, it does change a little bit.

There was 1 year. I had a boyfriend during thanksgiving, and I chose to actually, like, I mean, we spent most of the day together, like, watching football and just kinda disconnecting, but in retrospect, I wish I didn't like, and I remember we gotten, like, some stupid by at the end of the day, like, because he was probably, like, you know, expecting me to feel something. I wasn't feeling, and I just was, like, you can go. Like, I don't wanna do this because this is hard enough, and I don't want to engage and, any of this stuff right now. I have a lot of holiday travel, and I just don't wanna do it.

And my tactic is not spending it with family. It's not having consistent plans with friends. It honestly is disconnecting. If I lived in a warmer place, you know, I would go do something that is warm, but I live at cold place. So, you know, I typically give myself a project and that's it.

And that is what makes me happy that is what makes me feel fulfilled. I find a lot of joy and the city when it's empty, you know, or like a day that's quiet, you know, I feel like my brain can catch up a little bit. It's almost like a welcome day off or a welcome pause that I wouldn't normally give myself. But I certainly have clients that traveled to their family and that's where they want to be. For me.

My daughter is the joy that brings the laughter and everything to my family's home, it's also a lot of traveling then to just come back. I just don't want to, and that's a choice. And I'm gonna continue to choose to make the choice that is best for me. There is this other year that, again, I had a partner during Christmas, we had plans to go to a football game on the holiday on Christmas day and I had been sick for weeks, and I just said, look, I can't go. I can't go.

I'm not alright. Like, I haven't been alright. And, you know, I haven't been write all month. I, we sold the tickets, and then we booked a hotel room. And I think I fell asleep at 7PM, that night and woke up, like, at 9AM the next day, which is, like, very very out of character for me, but it's, like, if I look back at that, it's like, okay, Well, I was giving my body what it actually needed.

I think for some of us not having our kids during the holidays comes with a heart reality of knowing that there, or they could be spending time in an environment that doesn't feel healthy. And so if you do have, a course of controlling x, you might feel like your child is being used as upon or that they're being love bombed. You might notice that your child mirror some of their control or project that fear onto you and or they might come home and everything is a comparison about what have into the other house, but the most amount of patients that you can give yourself in them, the better, if you can use the time during the holidays to focus on refill your cup and not feeling pressure to do things you don't want to do, which happened totally means if you absolutely wanna spend all the days if you don't have your kids doing things and, you know, spending time with friends and getting holiday drinks, like, please do it because that's what makes you happy. I'm just talking about what makes me happy and what I felt like I've needed. But that said, the more that you refill your cup in this time away the better because your child is navigating survival in their own way and their behavior is not personal.

It's not a reflection of their respect to you. There's not a reflection of you as a parent. It's about the dynamic that they're in and the conflict that they feel inside. If you're feeling this, you really are not alone. I promise you that.

And so many of us have been there, and it's okay if you need extra support around this and around how to navigate your kids when they are dealing with these transitions. I think it's just important to realize too that the holidays, with the events, the school events, the hustle and bustle of the season, the days off of school, parent teacher conferences, your brain is working over time. Especially if you're dealing with the eye conflict divorce, emotional abuse for exhaustion around fighting for your kids while being, it makes the holidays even harder because we are already stretched so thin, and it's so important for you just be gentle with yourselves, if your child says something hurtful or acts out. Remember that this really is not about you. It's...

Their a way of processing what they're experiencing. And the best thing you can do is respond with patience and love, even when it's hard. And remember to take care of yourself too. I would also read out to people that understand having people that understand and have tools and strategies that you can lean on and build off of can really help. I'm gonna end with sharing some things that over the years I found to make the holidays be a bit more manageable and some of these are for my own self and some of these are for are from clients, but either way, I think that they're helpful.

This is the 1 I said already about ref refill the day. It's not about the date itself, but it's about the commitment and the love that you have for your kids whenever you are together. You can create new traditions. You can cook Christmas dinner on another day. You can have a movie marathon.

You can change the 8 days of Hanukkah to have it be for your home. You can do something totally unconventional. Like, get a different color, Christmas tree every year. You get to decide what this time is for you and you get to create whatever you wanna create with your kids and also create whatever you wanna create for yourself. Because it is important that you also give yourself permission to feel.

It's okay to greet the loss of the traditional holiday picture, but let air aerosol feel the sadness don't let it define your whole day. It can be helpful to feel the feelings, but then put it in a box. And say to myself, okay. Now I'm gonna go for a walk. And then if I come back and I need to feel again, I can't.

Like, every year it might feel different and so let yourself feel the feelings. I do think it's super helpful to also stay up social media, comparisons never help. Everyone posting their highlight real. It's not their reality if you could stay off of it, stay off of it. And figure out who your community is.

You know, I am the community for some people and I know that, and I honor that. But whether it's friend's family or support group, you don't have to do this alone, and there are people that understand how you feel and what you're going through. You know, But at the end of the day, this is your time, and this is your time to figure out how you wanna navigate. This, and it's, like I said, it's gonna be trial and error, You know, you 1 year you might feel 1 way the nectar fury. You might feel another way.

But if you're spending this holiday without your kids, I hope you can find some peace and calm. In making the day your own and doing what you need without the pressure of anybody. It could be rest. It be productive. It could be spent with family.

It could be spent alone. It is okay to let go whatever is expected of you and embrace what actually feels right for you. I really appreciate you listening, and, of course, I hope that this helps. If you need more support, you can reach out to me at jessica jessica at coaching dot com. You can email me.

You can find me on my website emotional abuse coach dot com or high conflict divorce coaching dot com and on instagram at emotional abuse coaching.