Divorce Coaching is a Game-Changer for High-Conflict Situations

Divorce coaching can transform your experience when navigating high-conflict separations, especially with a narcissistic or difficult ex. Learn why proactive coaching is more effective than crisis-mode reactions, how to build resilience during calm periods, and the practical strategies that can save you emotional and financial strain.

In this episode, I share real-life success stories, highlights the role of divorce coaching alongside legal and therapeutic support, and discusses how it prioritizes the well-being of your children while minimizing conflict. Whether you're facing custody battles or seeking to co-parent effectively, this episode offers insights and actionable advice to help you thrive through the process.

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• 15:26 (Cont.) Divorce Coaching is a Game-Changer for High-Conflict Situations

Transcript

 Welcome to the You're Not Crazy podcast hosted by Jessica Knight, a certified life coach who specializes in healing from narcissistic and emotional abuse. This podcast is intended to help you identify manipulative and abusive behavior, set boundaries with yourself and others, and heal the relationship with yourself.

So you can learn to love in a healthy way. You can connect with Jessica and find additional resources, content, and coaching at emotional abuse, coach. com. 

Hello, and welcome back.  Before we dive into the episode today, I want to take a moment and  remind you about my offerings. And so  I have courses that are available on my website,  emotional abuse coach. com and high dash conflict, divorce coaching. com.  Those courses are emotional abuse, breakthrough, how to set boundaries with a high conflict person, how to divorce  narcissist one on one.

And how to document for family court.  I put so much time into creating these courses because I really want them to be something that helps you if you can't afford coaching. And so if you are feeling like you need something like that, that's where I would go.  As far as coaching works and around this time of year, I do tend to get more inquiries on that because everyone's rethinking and reassessing their lives.

It's a very busy time usually, and I think the holidays and the new year, sometimes we come crashing into the year and we're like, okay, I got to do something. About this. And so I offer a 20 minute clarity call. It's on my website. You can book it, you can find a time and just book it for yourself. Or you can email me at Jessica, Jessica Knight, coaching.

com. And we can schedule it. That is basically a 20 minute call to talk about coaching and what that looks like. That's I hear a little bit about you and your story. I explain what this looks like and how we would move forward from there. The validation call is a one off call, and it is a way for us to talk through the details of what's going on.

I gather some information before we really dive in, and the purpose of that is so that I can help you navigate through whatever it is that you're dealing with, and it's meant to be more of a one off call. Obviously, you can book multiple of those if that's what you choose. Or go from that into consistent coaching, but those are the offerings that I have.

I also have a sub sack that has a lot of information on it. I recently redid it and revisited it. And so  the link is in the show notes below so you can find it there. And lastly, I recently revamped my high conflict divorce coaching website, high dash conflict divorce coaching. com. I have a few new packages, a few new offerings, and. 

The purpose of this is really to better frame the work that I do with people. And because I've been doing a lot of more paralegal type connecting the dots type work for them, because when we, our brains are in trauma and we are in the emotion, we're not thinking clearly. And sometimes then we don't articulate what we really want to, to our attorneys.

And of course in the family court system. And so there's a few new offerings on there. The link to that is in the show notes as well.  If you are needing support and help, that's where I would go.  And I, I'm just going to be honest, I do hear a lot of people say things like,  Oh, well, I didn't know that you charge for coaching.

And I hate like getting on the soapbox on this topic, because honestly, it feels really icky. Like nobody wants to say this, but you know, but yeah, I mean, the training that you have to go through to get there, Do this work is very expensive. Coaching certifications are expensive. I do a lot of extra trainings too, but regardless like this is my full time work.

I devote a lot into this work. I think my clients would  say that  I provide support outside of the calls really often and you know I'm always willing to help and go an extra mile for someone and so yes it does come with a cost, you know and right now my free offering is this. It's the podcast and I do put a lot of time into the podcast.

So  I know that it's hard. I know these things are expensive, but I actually hope in this episode today.  At least when it comes to divorce coaching, I can explain a little bit on like how it actually does save you money. I'll probably say it without outright saying it throughout this episode. Okay, I'm going to step off the podcast and talk about  divorce coaching and why divorce coaching is a game changer, especially if you're navigating a high conflict situation or dealing with a narcissistic ex. 

In today's episode,  I want to explore that this concept of like, not waiting until you're in crisis mode, because a lot of people will go to get a divorce coach when they are in crisis mode. And that does make things harder.  Coaching can really set you up for more success.  And I want to talk about what it looks like to work  together longterm and I'll share what that looks like.

I'll also share some real stories of clients who really changed their,  I guess, the course of their divorce journey through coaching. So you can see what's actually possible. And it will touch on some of the work that I do. Cause a lot of people wonder like,  what is this and how it would help. So let's start with the basics.

What is divorce coaching?  Divorce coaching is a specialized form of coaching that helps you strategize,  As you navigate the emotional, practical and strategic challenges of divorce. If you are dealing with a high conflict ex or a narcissistic co parent, it is so overwhelming. And if you're here listening to this, you know how overwhelming this process can be. 

And that's where coaching can come in.  This is how it fits in with your other, with the other members on your team. Therapists can help you process your emotions and heal from what you've gone through.  Lawyers handle the legal aspects, the paper, paperwork, the courtroom representation,  but divorce coaches are the ones that help you bridge the gap. 

A divorce coach focuses on practical strategies, helping you set up to be a bit more resilient in and out of the courtroom,  making sure that you're actually fully prepared to handle whatever does come your way.  At its core, coaching is really about empowerment, giving you the tools, clarity, and confidence So that you feel more in control of your divorce journey, even if a lot of things are outside of your control. 

But I want to talk about a pattern that I see often when somebody reaches out for coaching when things are at their peak. There's usually a court date looming and a custody dispute  or a major conflict with their ex and they're stressed and overwhelmed looking for quick fixes. We have a powerful first session  and then  They say something like, I'll pause for now  and come back when things heat up again. 

And here's the truth about that. When you wait until you're in crisis and you're already behind.  You're reacting instead of strategizing. And that does end up costing you emotionally, financially, mentally coaching during calm periods. It's like training for a marathon. You don't start on race day. You put in the work beforehand because that's what matters most. 

And so I'm going to share some examples about  what I mean by that and what it looks like. And so this is actually an example of somebody scrambling before court, because I think that's important. We were able to figure it out, but I. You know, I think you can tell even by this example that if we had more time, it would have looked different. 

A client reached out to me three days before our custody hearing, and she was panicked because her ex filed a motion she hadn't seen coming.  She felt completely unprepared. She spent hours venting to her lawyer, running up the legal fees, but still didn't feel confident about what to say in court.  And so when she came to me, we were quickly to organize the evidence that she had, clarify her priorities, and develop a strategy for presenting her case in a way that the court would actually care about. 

Sometimes when we are in this space, we're not thinking about what the court wants to see, we're thinking about our position, which is like how we would naturally think, but I think it's important that we need to pull that back a little bit sometimes, think about what does the court actually want to see. 

While we managed to salvage the situation, she later told me that she wished we started coaching earlier. If she reached out weeks or months in advance when she was thinking about it, we could have gathered stronger documentation and really dove deeper into the patterns, anticipated even this filing,  and entered court with a clear and confident plan. 

I want to give an example about mediation. And so a client contacted me after a mediation session went sideways and she had another one scheduled and wanted to come up with a better plan.  She walked in hoping to negotiate custody and financial arrangements, but her ex's lawyer dominated the conversation, leaving her feeling totally blindsided the whole time and really disempowered. 

She was overwhelmed, emotional, unsure of her rights.  We started working together to rebuild her confidence and prepare for the next session, which was about a month and a half later.  And we talked through what her non negotiables were for negotiation. This session was supposed to be about finances. It was not supposed to be about the kids.

So she went in prepared to talk about finances.  But as soon as she got in there,  her ex was almost immediately acting in bad faith.  And she was like, Within about an hour, she and her attorney  came to the decision to leave  and to shut down the media, the mediation session early.  Because it wasn't going anywhere and she felt like she could advocate for herself more effectively, you know, in court in this, in this specific instance, it was around to get the documents that she needed in order to be able to have these financial conversations.

But, you know, a lot of times we do want to talk about trying to find ways to get out of court. In this case, it made more sense to go to court.  Um, Because now it was only procedural. It was only, you know, it was only about these documents. It wasn't about the whole host of other issues that were going on. 

At the end, she said, if I started sooner, I could have avoided the stress of that first session, which I believe went on for six hours.  The next example I want to talk about is reactive versus proactive planning. Now, one of my long term clients started to work with me during a calm period, long before filing for divorce.

She was still living with her husband, but she began to notice the red flags, financial control, emotional manipulation.  There were a lot of attempts to undermine her confidence  and over the course of several months, we worked together to document these behaviors and consult with lawyers to find the right fit for her  and also to create a financial safety net and really think about those big questions.

You know, with this specific client, we really talked about like what the finances would look like because she made more than her husband and like  the state that she lived in requires him to pay. get a job then. It's not just like, Oh, she makes more, you know, it's like, okay, well, if he is employable, he has to get a job. 

Um,  when she finally decided to leave the relationship, she wasn't scrambling. She had a plan in place and a clear understanding of what to expect, and even a strategy for managing her husband's predictable outburst. And she later said,  you know, I felt like we did so much work ahead of time. I wasn't surprised about anything that he was doing. 

This was a relief.  And in this specific instance, like by the time we were getting to the end and like if her lawyer wasn't understanding something about a specific pattern or why, you know, this I would be really detrimental for the client to agree to something  like, for example, 50 50, I was able to kind of help her formulate her argument.

So it's not like, why doesn't she just see this? Because that's obviously how we think about it, right? We think, why don't they see it?  And so I thought this example was particularly, um,  Helpful. And if we contrast that with the other client who came only after their ex emptied their joint bank account, leaving her in financial chaos,  you know,  it's like, if you know the patterns, you see the patterns, you pick up on the patterns, you might not want to look at the patterns.

But you need to  if you want to protect yourself and the kids.  And I think those examples highlight like a critical truth and like why we always can't be so, so, so prepared in this case. If you're planning to leave, if you think you want to leave, like I don't tell people they need to coach every week or every, you know, other week even, but I do think that there is like a value in the consistency.

Because it begins to put pieces together and to like really help you stay clear as you go, go along.  Crisis mode coaching is like putting a bandaid on a bullet wound. You know, it can help, but it's not nearly as effective as actually preparing in advance. And when you start coaching during a calm period, you're not just surviving, you're building resilience.

You're gathering tools and creating a roadmap here.  And by the time conflict heats up, You're ready. You're not surprised by your ex's tactics. You're not scrambling for evidence. You are not spending sleepless nights trying to figure out what to do next. You're walking into every hearing or session or conversation with a bit more clarity.

It doesn't mean you're not going to be nervous. And it doesn't mean that what you want is always going to get through. It does. You still are in the legalities. You still, you know, have an attorney, but You know, at the very least, like a coaching relationship can help you establish if that attorney is really  working in your best interests or not. 

In my industry, I do take  names of attorneys. I work with people.  Honestly, all over the world, but a lot of people in the United States, um, the most amount of my clients are,  it's a New York, Boston and California and 

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Then I have people scattered all over the U S and I have.  Australia, I have England, I have Switzerland,  um, Norway, Sweden, France, and Italy, and  a few others in there too. Now that I think about it, um, I've had many people from Canada too, but I would say like I started, you know, I have like the, I have the names of attorneys and even if I don't have the names, like I, I know the state I live in best, so I know Massachusetts but, and I, Can like rattle off almost anybody's strategy in Massachusetts, but I feel that whoever you work with, sometimes it is important to be able to take a step back and ask yourself, like,  is this attorney right for me?

And I've had to do that. Um, I've had a lot of clients that had to do that. And it's an important question because at the end of the day, your attorney is your advocate and they're your voice in the courtroom and  they're the one counseling you. And they're the one protecting you. And so if it's not the right fit, having those conversations are really important. 

And it doesn't mean that you have to make a change and doesn't mean that like,  I take a stance where I'm like, your attorney is impossible. Like, you know, but  for example, if you're going into court  and say,  say dad files a motion, you oppose the motion, but you don't file a counterclaim. You just oppose. 

And then you leave. And you're like, why didn't the judge give me anything I want?  It's like, well, did you ask for anything?  No. Okay.  Did you tell your attorney you wanted to ask for anything? Yeah. But they didn't file it. They said they didn't have time.  Okay. Well, like there are things that could happen there.

Now, I don't know all the intricacies of that, but like,  at least that gives an answer to  Why didn't you get what you want because you didn't ask for what you want,  for example, and there could be a strategy around that though, but I don't know all of that. And that's why, like when people ask me these questions and emails, I'm always like, I can't respond to this.

Like this is definitely, I definitely need more context because  I want you to understand the process. And I also know how.  intricate the process is.  Let's talk about a few success stories.  One client started working with me when she was beginning to notice signs of her marriage not working.  She wasn't ready to leave yet, but and flip flopped a lot, which is completely normal.

And so to get that reworked through her guilt, identified logistical concerns and helped her accept the radical truth. Of her situation  months later, after hitting a final straw, she did decide to leave because we had such a history together on the stuff that we were able to predict her ex's reactions.

And she had a lot of documentation in advance because  we worked on that together. So when she started interviewing lawyers, she was very clear on what she needed and what the issues would be.  Of course, it wasn't perfect as divorce never is, but she was far more prepared and confident than she would have been otherwise. 

I had another client that came to me last year, early in her divorce, and she needed emotional support at first and really helped understanding the court system. And one of the hardest things about divorce is how shocking the legal system can be. It doesn't always feel fair or intuitive.  But through coaching, we broke down how the system works and created a strategy that allowed her to make more calculated decisions. 

In one mediation session, when things weren't being negotiated in good faith,  she was also similar to the other client, able to get up, stand out and  feel proud and in control instead of pressured by the system. And in this case by her attorney,  a lot of time divorce is traumatic and the situations that we deal with are traumatic.

And it's not because we're dealing with somebody that we want to be with. It's because we're dealing with somebody who, especially with kids, it's like  you can tell none of their stances are.  They don't, they don't have the best interests of the children at heart. So you're arguing with somebody essentially in bad faith. 

And a lot of times clients are like so overwhelmed or they're being harassed by the legal system, meaning their ex keeps filing things.  And so one client came to me overwhelmed, trying to share almost everything at once. But it was, but so much of what she was focusing on while it was completely valid emotionally was not relevant legally, like the court is not going to care.

That  he said, X, Y, Z, do you, you know, they're going to care about, they don't want to get involved in all of that. What they want to get involved in and this person had kids is like, how is this affecting the children?  And because I've been doing this for years, I was able to help her see through the emotion and focus on the patterns and the issues that actually mattered  and together we drafted emails and correspondence for her lawyer that were clear, concise, and showed the pattern,  which allowed her to feel heard.

And helped her legal team really work more efficiently because they weren't trying to now sort through the emotion and help their client when they're not necessarily,  like, that's not what they're trained in.  And so sometimes clients come to me when their legal team is pushing for a plan that they feel like can't live with. 

And so coaching gives you another place to go, a place where you could step back, strategize, evaluate, make decisions that align with your values. And the more I know about your history and patterns, the better I can help you see how your divorce is likely to unfold and prepare for it in a way that actually works for you.

Because again, divorce coaching is not about surviving the process. It's about thriving afterward. And when you're in crisis mode, your brain isn't functioning at full capacity. You're overwhelmed, you're reactive and coaching helps you shift out of that mode.  And into one of more clarity and not it's not to say that's perfect and you're going to be there all the time But like even if you get an hour of clarity in 24 hours, you know, and the other 23 hours you are confused and sad It's like at least you had that one hour You know, my goal is obviously to help you compartmentalize this which is really hard At times,  and if you're dealing with a narcissistic ex, we focus on anticipating their tactics and creating strategies because a lot of them, they work differently, but they work pretty much the same. 

They thrive on the chaos and coaching helps you stay grounded and one step ahead and you're no longer playing their game. You're taking control  of your own side of the street.  One thing I want to highlight about all of this is that  centering the best interest of the children in all of your thinking  in the divorce is really important.

And if you don't have children and you're just navigating this with a high conflict person, you know, feel free to end the episode now. But  if you are a parent navigating divorce, I really want to talk about how divorce coaching prioritizes children's well being,  and talk about some of the practical and the emotional aspects that come up. 

I know that one of their biggest concerns during a divorce is your kid, and how do you  protect them from conflict,  from being caught up in the manipulation? How do you make decisions that actually support their well being when you are being  held to court orders and things like that? And how do you navigate co parenting with someone who might not always have the same priorities?

And by might not always, I mean, probably doesn't  have the same priorities as you.  And this is where divorce coaching becomes really valuable.  Because when you're overwhelmed by the emotions, the logistics,  the day to day of the divorce, it can be hard to think clearly about what's best for your kids. 

Divorce coaching gives you a space And some tools to step back, assess the situation, notice the patterns, make thoughtful decisions that truly put your kids first.  I'm going to share a few ways that coaching supports you as a parent in this process.  One way, the first way is reducing exposure to conflict. 

So we know that the most damaging thing for kids during divorce to be caught in the middle of a divorce. Parental conflict. It doesn't mean that you always can prevent it, especially if you're with somebody who wants to control at every turn. Coaching helps you manage communication with your ex in a way that minimizes the tension and keeps the focus on your kids.

One thing I help people with all the time. Is strategic communication, what to communicate on, how to communicate  when it needs to be communicated, et cetera,  you know? And so together we may set up something like a structured system for communication or shared calendars,  co parenting apps, what communication do you need to respond to things like that? 

To reduce the direct communication and create clarity around  responsibilities and schedules.  Another thing we do together is create stability. Divorce is a major upheaval for kids and they need consistency to feel safe and they need expectations to know what to expect.  Coaching helps you identify what stability actually looks like for your family and your family specifically, and create routines that provide a sense of normalcy. 

This might include working with your ex to establish agreements about bedtime routines,  or it could actually mean figuring out how to best create stability in your home because that's the only thing that you have control of, but every situation is different. And so, It allows that personalized strategy around how to best  create stability in an unstable environment. 

Another thing it does is help you navigate high conflict co parenting. If your ex is a narcissist or high conflict person, or it's just an asshole, co parenting can feel literally impossible.  Coaching helps you set boundaries. To know when to set them, how to stick to them and how to prevent your kids from being exposed to unnecessary chaos.

They are likely going to still be exposed to chaos,  but if you have someone by your side, helping you mitigate some of the conflict, for example.  Say, for example, somebody is insisting on meeting at a different drop off point rather than the drop off point where, you know, that is already agreed upon that you've been doing, but now they've decided they want to go somewhere else.

Depending on your situation, you know, and your specific case, we might say, look,  you know, this is not worth the fight. You know, like,  Meet at the other one. It makes no difference. It's just about control, but don't engage in the control. If this person is actually particularly high conflict and they're doing this to kind of like  punish you in some way and it's actually more disruptive for the kids, we might say no, the drop off point stays the same,  you know, and  Like you just hold the boundary and don't engage in the conflict.

But like I said, everybody's situation is different. And so I'm not telling you that if you have that situation, you should go one way or the other. I'm saying when you have a divorce coach that understands course of control and also the patterns  of post separation abuse,  you will have somebody on your side that can help you understand and what to do  in these situations in your specific circumstance. 

because part of this is also working on strategies of responding or not responding when you're being provoked  and keeping focused on what's best for your kids.  A lot of times it will be really hard to balance the practical and the emotional needs.  Sometimes I've seen parents get so caught up in logistical concerns.

Like the schedules and the arrangements that they overlook with the emotional needs of their kids actually are a lot of times One person is focused on control and one person is focused on the kids as well  So coaching ensures that you're sort of addressing both. What is the structure that  helps facilitate the emotional need?

You know, of your kids and how can you actually show up for them? How can you communicate to your children in age appropriate ways and what is age appropriate depending on how old they are and how to support them emotionally through transitions and be that anchor even when you're struggling yourself, right?

Like we hear all the time you have to put your oxygen mask on first.  You actually have to put your oxygen mask on first, you know, and if you are dying for air, You know, sometimes it can feel like, okay, I know that at this time when I have this call, I can bring up anything that's going on in this  case or myself or my kids whatsoever. 

And if this person, I mean, if it's me, you know, there's a lot of things I can weigh in on because I've either experienced it, I've done it, I've worked with somebody on it, I took a training on it, et cetera. Or  if I don't know, I'll direct you to who does,  um,  for example, yesterday, somebody brought up, how can I explain course of control  to my attorney?

And I basically said, look, this is, this is becoming my, my, my Bread and butter. So next time we talk, send me all the documentation that you have, that you feel like is course of control right now. Even if it's just notes,  I obviously know your kid's situation at this point, because we've worked together. 

Let's look at how to align it. I said, and I basically told her, like, I'll do a little bit of work before we get on and send you something. And then we can, you know, add in details and things like that. And it could be a growing list and I'll  tell you what to look out for and how your kids may be presenting if they are being coercively controlled.

And so  things like that can also be really helpful because it keeps  you focused on what's important. And  you know, if something like that gets to a point where she does need an expert witness.  I know exactly who to refer her to, Dr. Christine, who you've probably heard on this podcast before.  The last thing I want to touch on here is making decisions that you actually can stand behind.

And I know I talked about this earlier, but divorce often involves really tough decisions like,  What the custody schedule is, how holidays are split, what vacation time looks like, what's the lead time, who has decision making. There's so much gray area that goes into a parenting plan that sometimes a divorce coach that has eyes on what you're exactly dealing with can help safeguard because your lawyer will be wanting to get this done. 

Your coach is going to want you to have something that You don't feel like you need to go back to court for a hundred times to tighten the guardrails. You want to have the guardrails as many as you can in the first order  or the first parenting plan.  Coaching helps you approach these choices really thoughtfully. 

We can talk about practicalities. It gets what's truly best for your kids. We could talk about the battles that you want to fight, you know, and the leg that you will stand on to the end.  One of my clients, for example,  She really, what mattered to her most was final decision making. And  that is because she wasn't able to make any decisions throughout any of the pre divorce process.

And she wanted to be able to like get her kid to the doctor and do these things. And so that's what she hung her hat on. And it really did go, um, a long way because we also were able to figure out  what her ex really wanted. And where she could be flexible and bend if she needed to be.  But at the end of the day, it's like,  I think the point that I want to make is that it's not just about solving problems in the moment.

It's about creating a foundation that benefits.  your kids long after the divorce is final and even a strategy for you and handling all  of the correspondence and communication and issues after the divorce is final.  I've worked with clients who initially came to me to  try and see how they could possibly co parent with a difficult ex and over time we created systems that made communication much easier, reduced the conflict, Save them money because they weren't going back to their lawyer and prioritize their kids needs.

The systems weren't just band aids, but they became part of a sustainable co parenting approach. That worked.  And, you know, I had another client who was feeling really pressured by her lawyer last week  to do something that  she truly felt she couldn't live with, like to kind of, and it was a safety issue.

And like, when it comes to the kid's safety, like, you really want to be careful and you don't want to just give in. And like, this client has been in front of the judge a lot, so she actually knows how the judge feels.  Will rule most of the time. A lot of times we don't know when it can be, can go haywire, but she does know, and she has some longevity there and she stuck to the co parenting plan.

And  her ex filed all these motions. And, but at the end of the day, when her lawyer was pushing back on her and like kind of being a bit of a bully,  like we were able to have a conversation where with me, she felt really validated because I was seeing what was happening, but  This is such a long standing pattern that goes on all the time with this person that we actually knew where it would go to.

And you know, sometimes like you have to just let things play out and  that's what she did. But that, that was an informed decision, not an impulsive one.  And so when it comes to kids and the best interests of the kids, I do really try and understand your situation. And it's not just about solving problems in the moment, but creating a system that benefits you.

benefits  your kids and you long term after the divorce is final. You know, one of the big things that I learned in divorce coaching is that a lot of, you know, a lot of the, I guess like negotiation, the litigation, the conflict happens outside of the courtroom. And so the way that you communicate, how you communicate, when you communicate really matters. 

Um, I've worked with clients who initially came to me to unders  unsure how to communicate with their difficult acts. And over time, I really do try and help you create a system that makes communication easier, like by looking at the actual communications, reducing conflict and prioritizing the kids needs.

And these systems are not just band aids, they become part of a sustainable co parenting approach.  I think that, you know, divorce is obviously hard on the kids. It's hard on families. It's hard just in general, but the more that you can to create a system that actually works and then work the system and edit the system, the less emotion that will be involved in like every single, you know, transition schedule,  co parenting moment, you know, all of it.

And so,  you know, the family court system isn't always set up to prioritize your kids. that you expect  courts and mediators don't see all the facts, all the history, all the correspondence, all the documentation. And they'll usually often focus on splitting time responsibilities and money in ways that look fair on paper, but that might not be in the best interest of your children. 

And this is where Divorce coaching can actually be really valuable because it helps you make informed decisions balancing how the court is likely to rule what is generally best for your kids and what keeps both of them safe, both them and you safe. And this balance is not easy, especially if you're dealing with a high conflict X, but it is really important because one of the hardest things is making decisions based on what the court would do.

Because if you go in and fight it, it's not going to help you at the end of the day. A lot of times, if you go in, you just continue to push back on the court. It's not going to lead where you want it to,  but it's really important just to think about why these decisions are there, why you are making them and how they can help.

And now I just want to take a second look at the emotional side because obviously divorce is hard on kids and I have my own kid and I've had like so many iterations of how  I support her and it continues to change as her as she grows and I've really learned that like  Validating, listening, and creating space is really what helps the most.

Children are deeply affected by conflict, especially if they feel caught in the middle or they have to take sides. And, you know, research has shown that it's not just the divorce itself, but it's the level of conflict between the parents that has the most significant impact on the children. And your ability to manage conflict with your ex is just not about making your life easier, but it's about protecting your kids.

And when you have really strong boundaries here,  the conflict doesn't hit you as hard as it normally does.  And coaching just, it gives you the tools to navigate these situations calmly and strategically.  And one of the most important things I do is As a coach is to help parents shift their focus from what they're fighting against like your ex's unreasonable demands to what they're fighting for, which is your children's well being.

And this is one perspective shift that often makes a big difference.  A part of coaching is also helping parents create a system that reduces opportunities for conflict. And so  while keeping the kids  at the center of the focus.  Here are a few tools I often recommend. Co Parent Wizard or Talking Parents,  Shared Calendars, which are also, they also exist in those apps to manage custody schedules and school events, and Clear Parenting Agreements that outline clear expectations for things like holidays and pick ups and decision making authority.

It might take a little bit extra for you to get those things set up, but then it puts everything in one place and it stops infecting every area of your life.  Navigating family court can continue to be really overwhelming, especially when the system doesn't always prioritize what you're prioritizing, and so sometimes coaching can help bridge that gap,  and so you can understand the court's priorities.

It typically focuses on things like stability, the child's relationship with both parents,  and evidence cooperation. Coaching helps you frame your arguments in ways that align with these priorities while staying true to what's best for your kids.  And we can balance together, like I said, where a court's likely to rule. 

This ensures you're making choices that are practical but also informed by your family's needs. Whether it's crafting clear proposals or knowing when to compromise or when to, you know, make something black and white and not gray in a parenting agreement. That's something that I can help with and I can help you think about different strategies to  support that, you know It's natural to prioritize your kids during divorce,  but you also can't pour into an empty cup  and so a lot of times I am kind of trying to call out on your Well being too and try and help you there because we work on strategies with boundaries so that you're not always drained  Developing routines that include time for yourself in some way And rebuilding your confidence.

And sometimes that can be just by feeling more clear and focused in the divorce process. And this is really essential. It's something that the court doesn't address. But, you know, you matter too. And it can be really hard when you're dealing with divorce. You know, all of this.  And so this episode is really, you know, I wanted to address a few things.

I wanted to address one kind of like what divorce coaching actually is, because I think people  are confused by it at times. And I wanted to address kind of like my approach. I've, if you've been here, you know, I have two sectors of my business. I have emotional abuse coach, and I also have this. And so these two go really well together in my perspective, but I understand the emotional side.

I am trauma informed and healing from narcissistic  abuse. I have had taken tons of training. I've also taken high conflict co parenting training. Like I,  I see the full picture. And  a lot of times I think that when I like reflect on my, I'm struggling what I want to say, but like  my clients know that I'll push back on them when it's necessary.

I've pushed on back on two people last week. One that I felt like was  Going to blow up her case essentially by being too confident in a  on a certain stance. I'm being vague on purpose  to protect their privacy and another one where A motion was filed and I was basically like look if you don't say what you need and what your plans are for this It's a holiday motion Then  I don't I'm worried you're not going to get what you want And then you're gonna be stuck canceling the plans that you have where there's space to be reasonable here and I think you should just simply oppose and so I Push back sometimes  But I push back from a place of clarity.

I always tell you that what your lawyer says is more important. And so we can talk about it. We can decide. And then at the end of the day, it is up to you. But, and I do rely on your attorney now, you know, in the same week, last week I had a client whose attorney is not getting back to them.  You know, and I basically said, like, this is a pattern and I've seen this pattern a lot and I know you are feeling a sense of urgency around this.

And so if you're going to, I advise them to go get a couple of consults and then see how they feel. I didn't say you had to change lawyers. I said, just go get some consults.  Um, because It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt, especially if you're feeling frustrated.  And so at the end of the day, what I want to do is I really want to help you.

You know, I really want to help you. I want your lawyers to see that there's issues, of course, of control. I want them to understand how this is affecting the kids in your day to day, because I want you to have something that you can live with at the end of the day. I see post separation abuse constantly. 

I think I see it more than I see. Um, you know, I definitely see most post separation abuse more than anything else, but like,  I don't want that to be your reality because  that means it's the reality for your kids as well. And so  if you are in this place and you're confused, you know, I do offer a clarity call, which basically just talks about, you know, what this looks like together in your case briefly, or we can do a full on consultation where I really do dive into the specifics of your case.

I send you something to fill out beforehand and like, you will get some stuff. Like,  you know, if you think about it, like a first consult with the lawyer, you're explaining a lot of detail. There's obviously more documents that you'd want to, that you'd want to show me, but I can, I can lean in. I can respond to that effectively.

And you do leave that session with  some ideas or focus, or at the very least, like it's a big, deep dive on your case. And that's usually, What ends up being how I work with people moving forward. I doc, I draft documents, I organize materials for you, I draft emails to your attorneys, I ghost write emails to your ex.

All of these go through you first, like it's not like I'm in communication with them, but it's like if you are feeling stuck and in a trauma response,  this is something I do to help. Everything I do is really to help at the end of the day, like,  you know, I think it's really hard to set boundaries with a really tough partner, And if I'm able to help you do that, then,  you know, I feel like I'm helping you find a moment of peace. 

So, and like I always say, You don't have to work with me, of course.  I'm glad you're listening to me, but you don't have to work with me. You know, there's other people that do this and there's other people that,  you know, may be a better fit for you and your personality. But if you want to work with me, you can find me at hi conflict divorce coaching.

com or on my website, emotionalabusecoach. com. The courses that I mentioned Both on my website, the documentation course, you know, and the How to Divorce Narcissist. They're both on both websites, so you can go to the websites and just click on them.  In addition, starting  at the beginning of January, 2025,  my substack, which the link will be in the show notes, is going to be filled with a lot of content around  divorcing a nurses.

around co parenting with one and emotional abuse. Um, I'm creating a system. And so in the new system that it's going to have just some more consistent content, I believe it's 8 a month, but I'll also be adding on guides and Q and a sessions. And I'm really excited for that because I really enjoy engaging with people, um, and like answering the actual direct questions.

And so if that is something that you're interested in, please head over to my sub stack and subscribe. I'd love to have you there.  And as always, thank you for joining me. I know how hard this is. I am recording this on a Monday and I  Almost all weekend, not all weekend. That's an exaggeration. I spent moments of the weekend talking to people like just that my consistent clients and texts about like what various things they were going through.

And like, it does make me feel proud to know that they can send me a random text that says like, our neighbors saw him at Costco and the kids weren't with him. And I know exactly what that means. for being here. And I hope to meet you soon.