They're Just Avoiding Accountability

In this episode, I unpack how abusers flip the script by dredging up unrelated past events, twisting reality, and using guilt as a weapon to derail accountability. If you've ever found yourself defending a mistake from five years ago while trying to talk about how you're hurting now, this episode is for you.

You’ll learn:

• The difference between naming a pattern and playing the blame game
• How false equivalency and DARVO keep survivors stuck
• What a healthy vs. abusive response to feedback actually sounds like
• How to stop wasting your energy defending yourself and start trusting what you know

Whether you're navigating emotional abuse, high-conflict divorce, or just trying to reclaim your clarity, this episode is a grounding reminder that your experiences are real—and you don’t need to explain your pain to someone determined to ignore it.

Transcript

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 Hello, and thank you so much for being. Here, I'm gonna go through some of the fine prints so you know how to find me. You can find me at emotional abuse coach do com at high conflict divorce coaching com. I offer one-off coaching and ongoing coaching, depending on what you're looking for. The one-off is really, if you're just looking for something, um, to really just validate you, to help you move forward.

And the consistent coaching is if you're really looking at a pattern and trying to break through and to heal. And if you need that ongoing support. I also do divorce coaching, and I have plenty of podcasts on here about divorce coaching, the benefits of it, but you can find me at high coaching for some more information on that.

You could also find me on Instagram at Emotional Abuse Coach and on Substack at Jessica Knight. All those links are below to make it super easy for you to find. And today I wanna talk about a topic that continuously comes up. And it's the difference of recognizing a pattern of abuse and being trapped in a blame game.

And so I wanna talk about a situation and imagine that you're finally ready to say what's going on. You spent months, years piecing together a feeling that just isn't right. You can see the pattern. The dismissiveness. The gaslighting, the. When you gather up all the courage to say, this is why I'm hurt, and this is why I can't stay.

If nothing changes, what happens? They flip it, oh, but you did this this one time, and suddenly you're no longer thinking about the years of emotional manipulation, and you're now defending something you did before you even met 'em at the beginning of the relationship, or that happened one time. It could be something from years ago that was already discussed and resolved.

Or worse, something that never actually was a betrayal, but just an excuse for them to dodge accountability and just like that, the conversation is no longer about their behavior. It's about proving that you are not the bad guy. So you're on defense. I want you to know that this is not an accident or miscommunication.

This is actually a tactic of manipulation. And so I say all the time to people that you need to trust the, you need to trust the pattern, not the promises. And there is a difference between rewriting history and holding up a mirror to somebody's behavior. There is a difference between a person expressing a harmful pattern they've experienced in a relationship and someone dredging up unrelated issues to hold over their partner's head.

Here's an example. One person is looking at what happened and saying, this is why I'm here today talking to you about this. They're identifying a repeated pattern of emotional harm. They may be trying to set a boundary about They well will not tolerate. They're seeking a resolution, accountability, or change.

This is what it looks like when somebody is rewriting history to avoid responsibility. They're digging up past events, often unrelated to change the subject. They're using guilt as a weapon rather than working towards understanding, and they're avoiding accountability by making a two-sided argument where both are equally at fault.

And let's not forget how this comes up in smaller everyday ways too, like when promises would be broken and then not followed through. And if you asked about it, it was, it turned into how you didn't remind them or how you were being unreasonable. For expecting them to keep their word. Yet every single time you tried to address the pattern of behavior, it was twisted as a one-time offense of yours.

What's the difference? One is about moving forward with clarity, and the other is about keeping somebody emotionally trapped. Why does this feel so confusing? People who engage in emotional manipulation rely on making their partner second guess their reality. That is a really fancy way of me saying.

They're gas. They create false equivalent, a pattern, and up an old wound to control a conversation. This is a common example I hear all the time. You might say, I feel like I can't express myself without you getting angry or upset at me. They respond, oh, please, you got mad last week, so you're abusive too.

Now if we really look at what just happened there, you're talking about a pattern. They repeated anger and emotional totality. Then it's turned into a single event. That one time that you got mad. Instead of addressing the real issue, you're now defending yourself. Yet they're avoiding accountability. And then the cycle just continues and continues and you get nowhere.

Nowhere go to couples therapy. It turns into a, both of you issue abusers use false equivalency.

And I wanna share how a healthy person would respond in a situation like that. An abuser's response might be, well, you did X, so I guess we're both terrible. I'm gonna give you a contrast on what a healthy partner's response would be. I see how my actions hurt you. Let's talk about how I can change this pattern.

I'm gonna go through those again. I think it's important. Abuser's response would sound something like, well, you did X. So I guess we're both terrible. A healthy partner's response, I see how my actions hurt you. Let's talk about how I can change this pattern. A healthy person listens, acknowledges, and seeks solutions.

An abuser deflects LIS and keeps you stuck, and this is actually when Davo deny attack, reverse victim, and offender. DAVO was an acronym. Kind of comes into play here because it's a manipulation technique used by individuals when confronted about their behavior. I like to think about Dvo as the, but when you, but you did this weapon that they pull, what that looks like is deny that never happened.

You're exaggerating attack. You're the one who's actually abusive, reverse victim and offender. I'm the real victim here because of what you. The goal is to make you so busy defending yourself that you forget what you spoke in the first place. So how can you begin to break free from the your abusive two trap?

I'm gonna give you four things. One, recognize the distraction. Are they addressing the issue that you raised? Are they shifting focus to something unrelated? You can also ask yourself who's afraid to speak up if you are walking on eggshells, constantly justifying your feelings and afraid of their reaction?

It's a very clear power dynamic. You can differentiate between accountability and control. A person who wants to work on the relationship will listen, acknowledge, and try to change, even if it's hard or it feels impossible. A person who wants to control would deflect, attack, and make you doubt yourself in what you're saying in the first place.

One thing I tell people is to stop engaging in the comparison game. Not every mistake is equal. Not every conflict is mutual. If the pattern of harm is ongoing, then what happened in the past is not a counterpoint, it's just a distraction away from the. I call this kind of like the reality check moment of if it's still happening, it's not just something that happened in the past.

The person who's still experiencing harm today, the person who's still feeling unsafe, unheard or manipulated, is the one whose pain matters in this discussion. And you don't need to waste time defending yourself. I want you to trust that by listening to this podcast, by doing the research, by, you know, if you've made.

I know that you're struggling and that you've been going through things and you've, like, you have found yourself in a place where you're listening to a podcast titled, you're Not Crazy. I hear you. You know what the truth here is. You know what the pattern is. And the truth is that they just really don't wanna face that and have to do the work to heal it.

And if you are reading this and recognizing a pattern in your own life, I want you to know that your experiences are real. You don't have to defend yourself here. I want able to what you see because your feelings are valid and you are allowed to step away from the manipulation. Sometimes even just taking space helps you see what's going on.

I really hope that this was helpful and I hope that was validating. You're looking for can find me at emotional abuse coach on Instagram Emotional abuse Coach yo