Wanting Them to Change Isn’t Abuse - Interview with Paul Colaianni

One of the most painful and confusing questions survivors ask is this:

“If I want them to change… how is that different from them wanting me to change?”

On the surface, it sounds the same. Two people. Both asking for change. But it is not the same.

In this episode, I’m joined again by Paul Colaianni of The Overwhelmed Brain and Love and Abuse to unpack the critical difference between wanting harm to stop… and wanting control.

We talk about:

• The difference between self-protection and selfish control
• Why survivors question whether they’re “abusive too”
• The shift that happens 3–6 months into many abusive relationships
• How instinct gets conditioned out of you
• Why abusers externalize and survivors internalize
• What real change actually looks like (and how to spot when it’s just words)
• Why consequences are often the only thing that triggers accountability

If you’ve ever found yourself thinking:

• “Am I asking for too much?”
• “Are we both the problem?”
• “Why do they say I need to change too?”
• “If I want them to be healthier, isn’t that controlling?”

This conversation will bring clarity.

Wanting someone to stop hurting you is not abuse. Wanting someone to shrink so you can control them is.

I highly recommend Paul's work. You can find him here: loveandabuse.com